When Conversations Go Wrong: Understand Emotional Triggers

When conversations go wrong, conflict, drama, and negative emotional energy can completely consume us. It’s a complex and stressful situation that puts a strain on our relationships.

In response, we may choose to shut down, withdraw, and avoid the issue altogether. Alternatively, we might say and do things in the heat of the moment that we later regret.

However, there is a way to avoid both of these outcomes – by understanding our values.

Values play a crucial role in comprehending and managing our emotional triggers. When our values are disrespected, it’s like pushing the buttons that set off our emotions, leading to a rapid deterioration in conversations.

We don’t know what we don’t know

Often, we are not aware of what we don’t know. We learn early on not to react in harmful ways when a conversation turns sour – no yelling, hitting, or being aggressive. We may also learn to “react appropriately” by biting our tongues, forcing smiles, nodding along, and holding back any disruptions.

However, what we are rarely taught are effective conversation skills to handle these challenging moments.

When conversations go wrong

When you step into a leadership position without the necessary skills to navigate challenging conversations, it can be difficult. Not only do you suffer, but those around you also feel the impact.

However, by making a few simple changes and learning the Curiosity Skills, you can regain control when conversations take a turn for the worse. In the meantime, here are some strategies you can use to remain calm, composed, and connected, preventing your emotions from getting the best of you.

>> Get Clear On Your Values.

Your emotional triggers stem from your personal values. By understanding what truly matters to you, you can better manage your emotional responses. For instance, let’s say you value respect. Whenever you find yourself in a conversation that feels disrespectful, it pushes all your buttons. Recognizing that it’s your value of respect that is being challenged allows you to be more intentional. Being aware of your values helps you identify and regulate your emotions, ensuring that they don’t control your actions or behaviours.

>> Stay Open And LISTEN.

When conversations go wrong, it’s easy to become defensive and focus solely on making your voice heard and understood. However, this approach prevents you from listening and understanding the other person’s perspective. Instead, make a conscious effort to stay open and engage in active listening. This means giving the speaker your undivided attention, suspending judgment, and genuinely trying to understand their point of view. By doing so, you create a space for constructive dialogue and collaborative problem-solving.

>> Ask Open Questions.

When conversations go wrong, it’s easy to get stuck in an “I am right/ you are wrong” perspective. This approach leads to judging, blaming, and shaming – which always leads to conflict. Asking open questions allows you to understand, so you don’t make assumptions. Assumptions are the stories we make up and believe, regardless of whether they are true. When you gain understanding, your emotions will dissipate, and the less emotional drama you will feel.

You Always Have A Choice

Not everyone is interested in learning to manage their emotions. Some people like erupting, holding forth, and becoming accusatory toward others in emotional moments. They feel they need to express themselves this way. However, their relationships and leadership suffer because of it.

Whatever your approach is, know that you always have choices. Learning a few simple skills will support you make new choices so you can show up the way you want under stress, in a way that makes you proud.